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| daaaamn. i haven't been on this shit for so long. and ew, the last blog posted was when i just started going out with Gino. i'm so over him. plz believe it. anyway.
__prom is coming up. not too excited. i'm not really feelin' it. i have to make my dress & find me a fellah for the night. geez.
__school is fuckn gay. i hate it. i just wanna graduate and leave already. one reason is PHYSiCS. another reason is the so called "friends" that you have. HAH. yeah right. i feel the crazy vibes you guys give me. i can see people frontin. and honestly, i could care less already. i mean, it's our SENiOR year. and if thats how you guys wanna spend it, then go right ahead. i don't need stupid shit to become memories of my senior year. maybe it's because i'm not rich. i don't care if that's the reason or not --- it's how you guys make it seem, so i don't blame myself for feeling that way. thank you. on to KCC with the lovely cousin.
__parentals are still being gay fucks. "you can't go out because you might get pregnant." yada yada yada.
__leanne & the bois are keeping me alive. nights out with the young bois were fun. nights out with the og's are fun too. lately we've been cruising with the og's. i fucken love it. i've been seeing a lot of sierra lately. hows us ah? me, sierra & leanne flashing our 2XF. **you know it. but cannot forget the NEVA MiND DA RACiNG. JUS KRUZ 'EM. **oh yeah? yeah. what a gay.
__s t i l l fuckn s i n g l e. haha. what a lame-o. a lover isn't for me right now. i'm having wayyy too much fun without extra happiness. crushin though. no doubt about that.
__old friends. just got back in touch with karen. it felt like we broke up. but now we're REUNiTED && iT FEELS SO GOOD. haha. she's still that hott mama. kara -- she's turning toti into johnny. lol. kara, we still need to have sex with each other, hun. justyn -- i miss him. no one can do me like him. only HE can do me the way i like it. wth are you perverts thinking?! this is only between me and him. so when i need it, i call on justyn to do me. he does me rrrreeeaaallllll good. you don't know what it's like to be done until justyn does you. BUT too bad. he's all for me. to everyone else, they're ordinary things. but when it comes to me, it's doing me. bwaha.
__see you guys in another 626952848648203505168 years.
<3 -- j0y | | |
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t h i s i s m y d a i l y d o s e o f S M i L E S .
J0Y HEARTS GiN0
damn. haven't updated in a while long time! school is okay. stressed over physics =/ i hate that class. i wanna drop it, but i know i can't. gotta start working on the catapult with cessa & carol. bleh.
life in general has been great. my mommy & daddy has been extra nice to me lately. i wonder why. but there's times when i still get myself in trouble. hah! gino makes me happy. i never said this before, but this time, it's different. it feels too good to be true, so i look, and iT'S TRUE. i love this feeling. and according to jen, i've been a 'good girl'. haven't been out drinking. i so wanted to go this weekend, but i got HELLA BUSTED from my mom. sorrie leanne & lisa. but if i never got busted, i would have gone. but jen thinks otherwise. hah! o0h and i went to church, and i hardly swear. she thinks gino got me twisted. well he did, but i've always been good... i think. he's my smiles. love it.
event tomorrow at the fil-com center. woo hoo. gonna go see him buss out his skills so i can fall in love. haha. come see them. you know you wanna. okay i'm gonna go now. tootles.
x0x0://j0y | | |
| » i feel like i regret everything, but what`s the point of regretting when i know i can`t turn back the hands of time and NOT get myself into this mess? it`s happened so many times. i see the truth. it`s right in front of my eyes. but i choose not to look at it cuz when i do, it`s all bad stuff. so i see only what i want to see, trying to ignore the truth that`s lying right in front of me. i force myself to be happy. i think of the sweet lies he used to say to me and smile.
» his "bruises from work" shocked me. i was already expecting it to happen, but i was shocked to see them. why? because i only see what i want to see. i only hear what i want to hear & believe what i want to believe. i`m so sick and tired of wasting my time crying. why waste my time dwelling over someone who will never do the same for me?! but then again, the tears just involuntarily fall. i feel stronger on the inside, but once the tears start to fall, i feel all weak. i want one last cry. i don`t wanna be crying over and over again.
» i hate the way he treats me. he treats me as if i`m his bitch. and stupid me goes along with it. i know i`m being fucked over. but i can`t let go. i try. but he took the last of me. he has what i had left of myself. now i`m left with nothing. at times, i look back at what has happened and feel like i lost it all -- including my dignity. i feel like i let him treat me this way. i know i don`t deserve this shit. telling him off didn`t do me any good. it`s so hard for me to let my feelings out to him. i can tell my friends, but when it comes to him, i just shutup and hold everything in. he makes everything seem like it`s my fault. "i UNDERSTAND. Y0U`RE G0NNA ACT LiKE THAT N0W? WHY Y0U ACTiNG ALL DiFFERENT F0R? WHY D0N`T Y0U CALL ME N0 M0RE?" yeah, it`s all my fault. past relationships/experiences with guys, i took the blame majority of the time even though i knew i did absolutely N0THiNG wrong. but this one, he`s blaming it all on me. i admit, i fell for his lies. i fall for all the assholes. what the fuck is wrong with me? i see the nice guys around me, yet i go for the ones i know will never change. could i be any more of an idiot?
» i`m tired of crying and putting up with his shit. and although i am, i continue to hold on to him. my friends & cousins hate the way he treats me. i so wanna let go, and i know i can. i`m just weak. i don`t know how to tell him that enough is enough. when i open my mouth to tell him, i feel as if i`m choking and the words just won`t come out. i, adrienne-joy, has been taken advantage of. is this the equivalent to how it feels when your boyfriend, who supposedly "loves" you, cheats on you?
» as much as i want to leave, there`s a part of me that wants to stay. he has the last i had of myself and i feel like i wanna at least try to make things work out with us. but then again, assholes will always be assholes. i thought that from this heartache, i could escape. but i fronted long enough to know there ain`t no way. i`m officially missing you. just a week ago you were my baby, now i don`t even know you well. i don`t know you at all. well i thought i could just get over you. but i see that`s something i just can`t do. from the way you would hold me to the sweet things you told me, i just can`t find a way to let go of you.. gahd i`m so pathetic. you guys don`t even know how sick i am of his shit. but then again, people don`t understand that it`s not that easy to let go. it`s not that easy for me to say, "okay you know what, i`m done with you."
» the friends are the ones that keep me strong. no matter what i`ve done, no matter how many bad decisions i`ve made throughout my life so far, they still continue to stand by me. no matter how stupid the situation i put myself into, they still stood by me. they never said anything like "you`re being a ho. you`re acting like a slut. you drink so you`re bad. you burn so i hate you now." no.. that`s why i consider myself lucky blessed. i heard those words from other "friends", but never from these ones. i love you whores for everything. and you whores know who you are.
» but when it comes to him... aagh i don`t know any more. cry me a mother fucking river. for those of you guys who know my situation, can you guys please tell me what you guys think. honestly kine. even though it means calling me a slut, give me the TRUTH. frick, not like anyone got this far reading this shit anyway.
x0x0://j0y | | |
| i like you, i need you
to hold me every night
and when you`re feelin lonely
hun, i`ll be by your side
to tell you that i like you so
i`ll hold you and never let you go
hun, tell me your love belongs to me
and i like you, honestly
i want you to know that
i`m always here for you
through your bad times your saddest times
i`ll help you see through
i`ll comfort you when you`re alone
i`ll give you love like you never known
hun, tell me your love belongs to me
and i like you, honestly
» yes, i need him in my life. reasons why some of you may never know why. i know, no use talking about it if nobody knows except for me, her, him and him. but still, i just need to let it out. that night (july 29) i just wanted to hug him and cry when he was singing the song. but then i tried to stop the tears so i sang along with him. hah! i sucked. but oh well. it helped. man..all i can think about is that i need to somehow be with him. the thing is, we don`t know where this will all lead us. today, i was thinking about everything and i realized that yes, i do like him. a lot. but what got me so attached is everything that went on. man. i wish i could explain it but i can`t. we made a promise to each other. the four of us did. and i like him.. honestly.
do you remember that cozy summer night?
back in july, how the moon it was so bright
and that moment still lingers in my mind
sitting alone, reminiscing of that night
your lips on mine, the gleaming in your eyes
that special feeling, still lingers in my mind
it`s the way i feel about you
everytime i hold you in my arms
i could never live without you
hun, you know that you`re the only one
and forever, i`ll hold you in my heart
can you remember
when you came and sat so close to me?
did you hear my heart whisper
telling you that you are all i need
a glimpse of your smile
tells me this was meant to be
it`s the way i feel about you everytime i hold you in my arms i could never live without you hun, you know that you`re the only one and forever, i`ll hold you in my heart
love is a blessing
that only comes once in life
don`t take it for granted
oh but not this love of mine
he`s something i`ll treasure
for the rest of my life
it`s the way i feel about you everytime i hold you in my arms i could never live without you hun, you know that you`re the only one and forever, i`ll hold you in my heart
» feeling giddy all over again. i love hearing his voice. i love when he says "babe" i love it when he makes this weird kissy face. i love when he smiles. i love his eyelashes. haha. i love when he looks at me and winks. i love how he makes me mellow, yet keen inside by singing to me. i love the feeling i get when i see his number on the caller id. i love thinking back to the nights of july twenty five, twenty eight, and thirty. i love how i grew into these feelings without expecting to. i love how i like him the way i do. i love when he hugs me. i love how he kisses my forehead. i love how he tells me not to worry. i learned to take it in when he says not to worry. somehow, i know i shouldn`t worry. i love when he tells me he thinks of me. but still.. WHAT DO i DO?!
x0x0://j0y | | |
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